Grief: Can anyone explain grief 10

Grief: Can Anyone Please Explain Grief?  (10)

Many of us try to help others explain the grief process (if there really is a process) so that we can help the one going through their pain.  The problem is we don’t all grieve the same way or for the same time period. 

Most of us have experienced grief in our life when someone we love dies by whatever cause it came from.  We feel an intense  and deep loss when we had a great relationship with them.  To many the feelings are very intense and at times we can feel overwhelmed so much that we feel at a complete loss, powerless, weak, and anesthetized. 

Many times we wonder why in the world we feel the way we do because other people seem to go on with life and we are stuck somehow in a holding pattern where the airplane never gets to take off.  It is normal!!!  Many of us struggle for what seems like an eternity and at times we can even feel mortified by our own actions because we feel we must meet some grieving standard or something.  There is no standard when it comes to grief except what we allow others to somehow put it there like we miss the mark if we don’t fit our grief into their perspective of it.

Then if the person we are grieving for died suddenly our brain might even tell us that we are the only one going through such a horrible loss. The problem is that death is a part of life whether we like it or not and with every death there are questions we want answered yet seldom get the answers we so desire that will make our pain stop.

What is normal grief? What is abnormal grief? Who defines what we feel?  We might have different cultures, live differently, but we all grieve when someone we lost takes that final journey.  No one can promise you all the answers you are hunting for but we can try to soften your pain by telling you that you will make it through your pain at some point and give you some help so that along your journey you will find some peace in knowing that the ways in which you feel are normal. We all want some help that puts something chaos into something which makes some kind of sense.  We all want to understand what is happening to us while we feel so desperate inside for answers. 

Many times I have heard people tell people just get on with your life…but until you are ready you will be stuck in your grief.  The thing is the more you know about grief, people and how they dealt with it, and search grief out to find if something will work for you…you can stuck there for a lot longer period of time.  There is no magic in getting over grief and we all deal differently with it. 

What I am offering, as many others have offered, are ways that might help you.  If something I, or someone else, has to say helps you we are appreciative  that somehow God brought you to us for some help.  Sometimes God has a way of bringing people to something they need.  First of all I am not a writer but somehow God uses what He has given me to share with you and even if I am not a good writer you can still get the message God is trying to get to you.  I don’t ever presume to know all the answers, and I surely won’t tell you not to seek out the help of doctors who can help you, or counselors who can help you…but I do want to suggest that you find also a Christian counselor to help because you need the spiritual aspect in your grief as well.

Chasos

The older one gets the more precious we might appreciate life.  The older one gets the more people we care about die.  That is just a fact.  Doesn’t matter if we like it or not people die every day and even though we hope they/or us would live forever none of us will.  We begin our journey to death the moment we take our first breath and all that will stop that journey is if Jesus returns for us first. 

The thing is that as we go on our journey through life and when someone we care about dies our life can be pushed into chaos.  Many times we have all this info in our mind about grief but what do we really know and how do we feel and react to it?

I want you to have some tools here that can show you that you are not alone, it is normal to grieve, and even though your world is falling apart right now…you can make it through your grief (in time) and one day you wake up and even though your life is never complete without that loved one…you will get to the place of a new normal.  It is not easy.  If someone tells you it is they have not fully grieved.  Some might not show their grief as much as another but that doesn’t mean they are not grieving nor does it mean that you must ever follow what they did or will feel like they felt.  We grieve because we loved.

We do, however, have the need to know what is happening to us while we are grieving.  I want to take the time to explain that to you as best I can so that you might be able to make it through your grief with as little of pain as possible. A lot of times people just don’t know what is normal so they hold things inside and somehow feel that their feelings are wrong.  Don’t listen to those that tell you what or how you somehow must feel.  Do, however, consider what and how others have gone through their pain and take that in and use or discard whatever does or does not work for you.

No one escapes this life without grief of some kind.  We are born and then someday we die.  Some way early in life and that doesn’t make sense to us, but not all of life will make sense to us this side of heaven. 

No matter what you might feel in your grief there are others who felt that way and will feel that way.  You can feel a myriad of feelings and who is to say if they are right or wrong?  You could feel disorientated, befuddled, taken back, at a total loss for words, or your words never stop.  Even your body doesn’t go along like it did…it hurts too and it shows it hurts by how it acts.  Our bodies do whatever to try to protect itself…but when we grieve it can feel like even our own body deserted us.

Shock…that was the feeling my body had when my son was killed.  Shock! What a horrible thing that was and is for the millions that have it.  The mind doesn’t somehow recharge when we get up each day.  It feels like you are in limbo and will just wake up and find that this was a horrible dream. But you do wake up and you go through another day.  Your mind fights to take hold of reality and for some it seems like it will never come.  The loss of a loved one doesn’t come at an opportune time either.  There is no time that is a good time to lose someone you love. 

You might feel like you are being suffocated, lost, lonely, depressed, out of control, crying, not crying, want to be alone, or feel you need people around.  Normal for one person is not normal to another.  Who defines your normal anyway?  You might talk a lot or not be able to talk.  You might forget to do things….so what?  Your body might be running fast or in slow motion.  Who decides what or how you feel?  Even breathing can feel off.  Shock…for many of us who lost someone especially unexpectedly never feel that shock is abnormal.  It is quite normal. 

If your body slows down during this time take that as normal…and just know that your body is trying to help you cope as well.  Your body and your mind are working through the pain and many times we deal with the mind part of our pain but forget to care for our body.  When our bodies slow down they are trying to protect us in some way.  Shock is not the enemy here.  Shock can help us cope until which time we can make it through the pain.

I do want to tell you that if you are alive and if you love anyone or anything…if you lose them/it you will go through a grieving process.  The one you grieve has been part of your life and you loved them.  To never see them again is hard.  Give yourself time to grieve.  Give yourself time to feel.  Because of circumstances in life people must go back to work, must take care of their family, must still have to pay the bills etc.  The thing is you might not always be in a position to show your grief…but it is there and it will come out at some point.  It is okay. It is normal to grieve no matter what someone might say, but sometimes we hold it inside until we can be alone so as not to have to deal with others regarding our pain. 

I am not a medical doctor and I don’t claim to be.  I have a doctorate in Christian Counseling…but I am also a person who has gone through several of those I loved who have died, and I have gotten hundreds of letters and know people who have also had to deal with grief.  I personally when my son was killed did not grieve well at all and I didn’t have a support system as such to help me, was not at the doctors, and the process was hard.  I want to give you help so that your pain might go easier.  What I felt or even at times now feel…you might not feel those feelings.  It is okay no matter what feelings you have. 

It is even possible that maybe the one that died was not a nice person who you grieve and maybe you have emotions that hurt…it is normal.  Good feelings, bad feelings, anger…know this that whatever you feel or felt for another person who was part of your life who died…what is your normal?  Who are you mad at? Why are you mad at them?  These are things each of us must work through at some point but feelings change.  One moment we are up and the next down.  We can’t change all our grief  by feelings, we must actively work through grief. It really does take work.

I know some doctors who say that there is a specific process one must go through when grieving.  There are certain emotions and ways to deal with them.  If that helps you by all means please get that help, but it doesn’t help everyone.  We are different and our pain levels are different…and we must choose what helps us the most. 

I hope you will come back for more information.  If you are not going through grief…praise the Lord.  Maybe someone you know is going through something…then share what you learn with them.  They might accept it…or they might reject it.  It is okay.  Don’t push it on them.  We can all give advice we think can help others, but until which time they want to try something they simply won’t do it.  Let people grieve.  Let them know you care and are there and do something to help if you can, but know that some of our wanting to help so badly…at times can make things worse.  Please don’t take it personal when someone doesn’t say or do something you feel is best for them.  They have a lot on their plate right now.  Just love them and be there when they ready.  

There are times when we do intervene though and must intervene at that is when they are going to hurt themselves and others.  They might get mad you interfered…but we must help them if they are going to hurt themselves or others.  I would rather they be mad at me than lose another loved one or friend.  

More to come….

 

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