Grief from the unthinkable to living again (2)
All who love someone go through grief to some extent when they lose those close to them. It is said that there are several steps to work through when it comes to grief and that is correct, but at the same time I believe that there are many degrees to each step. Some might disagree with that one, but I have seen it and heard many people who tell of this also. I know it was true for me as well. Just because they call it a stepâ¦I found that there are many levels to that step.
I, for one, found that one day even though still very much feeling the loss of my child I woke up and felt that I was “recalled to live again and to breath again”. Not that I didn’t miss him or all the other loved ones that had gone on, but that there was nothing I could do about it and being a Christian I know and knew I would see him and all the others again someday. When we do get to that place of being able to breath again and know we must go onâ¦it is relief from the domination of grief that fills us. The sun actually shines, the flowers bloom again, and all the others in our life we love come back alive. You may never feel that “normal” you had before but you will begin to have a new one.
What words truly come to mind the very moment that someone dies or is killed and you must go on? What was your experience? What will be your experience? It is a blast to the soul like no other. Oh, there are days I suppose for everyone who has lost someone that you will have days that make you feel downâ¦like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, days and places that meant something to you. You still feel pain at certain times but it does get better if you want to get better.
Let me say, in my opinion, no one can tell you how to grieve or for how long. They mean well, but no one knows what you feel in your heart even if they were just as close to the one who died. We all grieve to some extent the same feelings, but not to the depth of those feelings. We are different. I had numerous people who made really stupid/dumb remarks while they thought they meant well that were like knives like in my heart. One such statement was, “oh you have other kids”. Now while that is a true statement NO ONE ON EARTH OR EVER PUT ON EARTH CAN TAKE THE PLACE OF THE ONE WHO DIED.
I should write a book someday on all the things not to say to someone who lost someone they loved. As I said people think they are helping and they really don’t know what to say but want to say something. Really some of the things I heard and have heard from others that people said to themâ¦it would have been better they said nothing than what they said, but we go on somehow in the midst of it.
Many will tell you that you must go through all the phases of grief to get through it. Yes, you must, but your experiences could be way different than mine were. You have many people who all think they know it all because they studied it, but they don’t. It can depend on what country you were born in, the times in which you live, the cultures and how things are expressed, the love of God and all that means to a Christian to the one who cares nothing about God but mourns as well. We all make choices when the time comes on how we grieve and how long longâ¦even when we don’t know we are doing it. We are not robots that all do and think the same way. (Thank you God for that)
The process of certain things or ways is in all humans, but the pace and ways in which we do them is quite another. We are human that is a fact, but being human we have different feelings and ways. Just as little boys are told to man up and not cry, but somehow it is okay for girls to do so, it is okay for all to cry and all should cry. Crying doesn’t make you a sissy, and not crying doesn’t make you a man. You have feelings that need to be let out and believe me at some point those you hold back will come back in someway. Deal with what you feel. In some families they just won’t leave you alone so you can grieve. Somehow they want to “get you through it” and “just get over it”. NO, NO, NO! Work your way through the highs and lows of grief because you need to deal with those feelings.
Something’s in life we know are never fair. Why did so and so die, get killed, sick, injured? Why? They were so young and had their life to live for. Why? Why? Why? The only answer truthfully is “I don’t know why? Why did my son die at 20? He was married with a baby. We may never know this side of heaven why. God didn’t need my son nor your loved one. But God has given each of us a certain amount of days on this earth and when that time is up it is time to go. We can’t add a day it is just our time. What we do with the time we have on this earth is important. What kind of life we live is important, and who we choose to serve (God or not God) is our choice and no one else’s choice. I can’t make anyone love God or choose God. I can only tell them about Him and what He has done for me. Without God I would not have made it. My journey was long and tough but God was patient and walked it with me. No two people feel the same about everythingâ¦including grief and God.
Now before we go onâ¦there are many kinds of grief. It is not just the loss of a loved one that brings us grief. It can be the loss of a job, a home, a friend, divorce, health, bankruptcy, loss of a friend, someone moving away that we were close with, a nation that is hurting from the horrors that go on there. Who can tell us what we can grieve in life?
I will end this lesson with this: William Shakespeare said, “Well, everyone can master grief’cept he that has it”. That is a very true statement, in my opinion. It is easy to tell others what they should be feeling but if it is us that feels it that is another story. I hate grief. It hurts and to say less I would be lying. I didn’t do it well with my sonâ¦but because of my grief I wanted to learn how to help others who do grieve or have been through certain other things I have been through so I went back and went to school. I don’t claim to know everythingâ¦no one but God does, but what I have learned I am more than happy to share it with you. What you do with it is up to you. May it help in some way along your journey. I pray so. Please come back again. I will keep posting if you keep reading or sharing.