Notes on Lies of the Abuser
Dr. Lynn Rosas
Abusers lie! That is what abusers do. They use whatever lies they can to have power over people. They threaten others to keep their victims in line so as to take the blame away from themselves and so the abuse cycle can continue. Note that many of the following do in fact happen.
Some of the lies they tell are:
All you are interested in is sex. That is all that teen-agers are interested in
You are going to hell if you don’t listen to me and do as I say
Boys don’t cry
Children have to do what their parents tell them
Did (random suspect person) put you up to this?
Don’t talk about your experience with my problems because it will embarrass me. Don’t tell anyone about this. It is our secret. I’ll kill you if you tell. I’ll hurt so and so if you tell. You won’t see your parents again.
For a smart person, you sure do some dumb things
Friends can’t be trusted. Your friends are evil.
Go to therapy as long as you like, but when will you be done?
I am not going to talk to you until you apologize
I bought you….but you owe me because you didn’t earn anything
I can’t live without you
I can’t ask you politely to do something because you wouldn’t do it
I can’t be nice to you because it wouldn’t work
I can’t believe just how selfish you really are
I have no one else to talk to
You owe me
Everyone does this
I know you better than you know yourself
I never did that. It never happened. You are making this up
I never treated you that way. You imagined it. You lie. You had a wonderful childhood/adolescence/marriage/relationship
I only have your best interest at heart.
I only lied to you because I knew you would be hurt if you found out the truth
I was/am the parent/spouse/teacher/authority figure; therefore I know better than you do
I wouldn’t hit you if you weren’t so bad
I wouldn’t do this to you if you didn’t like it
I wouldn’t do this to you, if you weren’t such a dirty, bad little girl/boy
I wouldn’t have left you if you weren’t so awful
I wouldn’t keep dumping you if I didn’t have to. I wouldn’t keep dumpbing you if you didn’t hurt me so much
I wouldn’t tease you if I didn’t love you so much
I’m finally committed to you. That is why I have to leave you
I’d treat you better if you just tried harder
If anyone finds out you will never live it down and you will go to jail
If you can be sexy enough men will like you and you can go far
If you do this,m nobody will ever talk to you again
If you don’t do I will do it to your sister or brother
If you talk about your feelings, you are just whining. That’s all they do in those support groups, anyways. They just sit around wallowing in self-pity
If you tell anyone about this I won’t give your mother her child support and then what will happen to you?
If you tell the police they will come and take me away and it will all your fault. Then just guess what will happen to you?
If you tell, I’ll kill your cat/child/mother/friend/coworker
I’m only doing this for your own good.
I’m the only one who can be right. I am the only one who can have feelings and opinions. I am the only one who counts
In my house you will do what I tell you to do
It hurts me to love you
Just because I have other partners doesn’t mean I’m cheating on you
Never hurt anyone’s feelings. If you do then you are bad
Nice girls don’t dress that way/have sex/yell/go anywhere alone
No one will like you if they find out
Of course I love you. I wouldn’t do this to you if I didn’t love yo
Only true friends can be like this
This is just the way it (abuser) is. Just do what you are told
That is not what you meant. I know what you really meant
I know what you want and you will like it
It is our secret and you better not tell anyone
There is no way out and you will do this or else
This hurts me more than it does you
This is going to kill your mother/father/teacher
This is going to teach you about how to handle those horny teenage boys/girls who will be after you
This is how you show love to people
You are my child and I can do whatever I want to you
This is normal in Europe and I am doing this so you can be more sophisticated than your peers.
We could make this relationship just great if only you would work harder
What are you mad at me for? I stopped drinking/beating you/abusing drugs, didn’t I? What else do I need to do?
What is wrong with you
Why are you so negative
Why are you so stupid? Why are you so snotty? Why are you so hard to get along with. Why are you so (insert random meaningless accusation here)?
Your mother/father/sister/spouse wouldn’t understand
You are a bad person
You are a slut
You are asking not be be touched isn’t a good reason for me not to touch you
You are going to be the death of me
You are going to grieve the loss after I leave you, but not the loss of love you are going to feel the loss a junkie feels when she can’t get a fix
You are just not a very nice person
You are just taking it wrong
You are just too sensitive. I’m sick of you being so hypersensitive all the time
You are not good for anything else anyways so you might as well use what you are good at
You are not sensible. You don’t think things through.
You are not sorry. if you were sorry, you wouldn’t have said it
You are obsessed
You are over dramatic
You are really tense; I can help you relax
You are ridiculous. Where did you get that crazy idea?
You are rude
You are self-centered, lazy, and irresponsible
You are special, and this is our little secret
You are the bad daughter/wife/girlfriend
You are the good daughter/wife/girlfriend.
You are the only one who loves me
You are ugly
You are uncooperative
You are unkind
You are worthless
You can make a lot of money as a prostitute. I’ll help you.
You don’t deserve to be forgiven. I only treat you like this because you deserve it. I wouldn’t treat you this way if you didn’t need discipline
You have to forgive your abuser.
You have to forgive me. It will do you good if you forgive me. That’s really the best thing for you.
You just need to try harder. You just need to stop letting your feelings get hurt
You just remember what you want to remember
You know you like it; what are you trying to get from me by resisting?
You made me lie by not making it easy to the tell the truth
You made me mad. You provoked me. You made me do it
You make a big deal out of nothing
You never…you always…
You only get what you deserve
You only like history because you are obsessed with the past. Why can’t you look to the future, like me?
You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Note: This is one of the most deadly things a person can ever say to a child…to this day, I have beliefs and habits which stem from being told this very thing a s little girl.
You own nothing, not even yourself. In my house, you are mine
You shouldn’t feel like you were abused, because we gave you everything. You are so ungrateful. For all I have to put up with…
You shouldn’t feel that way
You shouldn’t let it bother you
You shouldn’t think that way
You want me…you know it
You will ruin our lives if you tell
You would be a lot prettier if you wore makeup
You’d be a lot nicer if you weren’t such a bitch
Your antagonistic, Your are argumentative. You have a way of making people angry
Your are just overreacting.
Your feelings are not important
Your mother or sister or whoever won’t give me…..and I need it so you will do it
Your opinions don’t matter
There are so many different things an abuser can say to you to get you to do what they want you to do. However…not everything above is abuse in and by itself. In other words, one can make a statement that is on this list (not all of course)…but a few of the above and it would not necessarily be abuse at all. It becomes abuse by the deeds that they do then.
Thought: Many don’t believe in a spanking a child…lets say…while many do believe in them. There is a major difference in getting a spanking than there is in getting a beating. Abuse comes along by the actions one does to another that brings them down. Spanking, in and of itself, is not abuse in many people’s opinions…however it can become abuse by what they do, how they do it, how often they do it, and by the anger they felt when doing it. It is good to talk to child and tell them why what they did is wrong but sometimes this world might be a bit better off if a child did get a spanking especially when they continue doing what is wrong if nothing else has worked. That is my opinion and many won’t agree with it. The thing is I was raised in a different time I guess. Children were taught to respect their elders, their parents, be polite, help other people, give their seat up for the elderly or hurting, saying please and thank you. They didn’t expect a gift but if one was given they would even write a thank you note besides saying thank you. Well, we all know times have changed but we can also see the results of what is going on in our society. Many (not all because billions are still good kids) kids are just downright rude, hateful, mean, bullies, curse like sailors, don’t’ care who they hurt, don’t eat with the family and if they don’t get what the neighbor kids/or their friends got then you somehow are not a good parent. We need to stop giving our kids everything. Make them earn some things. Teach them about God and manners and morals. The world would be a lot better off. Just being real here people.
Sure some don’t agree with this but look around in America today. What are you teaching your children? Really? Are you teaching them to hate others? Are they racist? Are they bullies? Do they get mad if they don’t get what they want? Do they talk back to you? Do they have regular chores to do? Do they have consequences for bad actions. Are their gadgets more important to them than anything? Do they treat you with respect? Do you care more for your gadgets than you care to spend time with them? Do you teach them not to do drugs and alcohol?
We, as parents, must also take a lot of responsibility for how our children turn out. We send them to school each day and it is pretty much a battle zone anymore. The clicks of people, the mean things said and done, the bullying and so on. Why are we not teaching our children morals and responsibility? How many kids do you see playing outside anymore? How many can amuse them-self without a gadget? Put down your phones and toy gadgets and spend time with your family. Real quality time. No one eating a meal in their bedroom or den…but sit together and really get to know those kids/parents and understand the responsibility and care God has given you in raising them…but never abuse them. Children are our greatest blessing. Let them know that.
DO NOT BELIEVE THE LIAR!
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
It is never…I repeat never okay to abuse another person.
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