Grief: Let’s Talk funeral (7)

Grief: Let’s talk Funeral  (7)

Okay…your loved one has died and you are upset and most likely not making very good decisions.  I say that because most of us  who lost someone didn’t make really good decisions, especially if those we loved were killed or died suddenly from other causes.  So I thought today we would talk about that.

It doesn’t matter what part of the world you live people have traditions they expect people to follow when someone dies. Since customs and traditions are different all over the world, and even within each country, because of so many races in each country a lot of people feel that you must adhere to those things.

I want you to know that you do not have to do that and if you choose not to it is your choice.  No one holds the key to right or wrong regarding a funeral.  I, personally, have never been to two that were alike except pretty much when someone I know is catholic and dies.

Well, when someone dies, it also seems the vultures come out at funeral homes (if you live where they have them).  Oh they can sell you the moon because nothing is to good for your loved one.  At the time you are grieving and they are sales people and believe me they know how to sell. (No, I am not picking on is their job)  But they will sell you the most expensive plot, the most expensive box, the most expensive service, the most expensive cover to go over the casket in the grave to preserve your loved one.  Whooee pooee!  They take a horrible situation and guilt one into getting the very best of everything and I am going to be totally blunt here….the person is dead…their body of a shell goes into that casket, they are buried in the ground just as God said they would/dust to dust, and nothing is going to preserve them.  They are not there. All that is for us and not them.  I am sorry to be so blunt but it is the truth and because we love so much and we are at a very vulnerable time in our lives we fall for all they tell us because we want to do something that pleases our loved one.  

What would your loved one want? Would they want a large service, small service, music (what kind?), flowers/no flowers? Where do they want to be buried? Do they want cremated or put in the ground? All these things will most likely run through your head especially if you have not got to talk with them prior about what they  want when they did.  It is not about what others think and plan for you.  What did they want and if they were young and most likely didn’t have a plan…what do you want?

It could go against the grain when coming to plan this but sometimes that is necessary.  Sometimes you need to do what you want when it comes to this even if it seems unconventional.  I am not saying to have a “way out” service, but, of course, that is always up to you. What songs do you want or don’t want.  Is there a song that they loved or one that makes you think about them…play it.  If they loved to wear blue jeans why do you feel you have to bury them in a suit or dress? What were they like? Do you want a public funeral or a private one with only the closest of the close?  Who says you have to have a huge funeral with all the bells and whistles anyway? 

Sometimes we go through with all these things (as I did) because I just didn’t know what to do.  I would have given my son who died the world because I loved him so much, but he wasn’t there and he surely would not want me to do what I did to honor him.  I honored him no matter what.  Then remember, they are not at the service.  Their soul has left the body and they are wherever God puts them. We do all this for us. 

Oh yeah…and the marker for the grave.  The sales people are really good at selling those as well.  And what about a seat to put there so that when you go to the funeral  you will have somewhere to sit with them. 

I know for me I can honor my son anywhere, everywhere and that cemetery is not him.  It is a place we go to make us feel better and believe me for a time I used it all the time.  One day I woke up and realized they were not there and that hurt me going there all the time.  Maybe it won’t you but there comes a time we have to go on living and they would want us to.  That doesn’t mean we don’t go there sometimes but going there all the time hurts us and carries our burden even longer.  But, no one can tell you when you are hurting that you will accept it because you are hurting and you need to feel close to whoever it was that died and you will feel this does it.  Again, no one can truly tell you how to grieve or for how long…and not how you will grieve.  Remember, people mean well and love you.  They don’t want to see you hurting.

I said all that to say this.  Please don’t feel offended by what I wrote today.  We grieve differently no matter what part of the world we live in or what religion we are or are not.  We have cultures and some people expect us to do things a certain way.  If that is what you want do it. However, if that is not what you want…don’t do it.  Bury the person wherever they wanted or wherever you feel they would have wanted.  Have the funeral  they or you would desire to have.  They will get over it and you will feel better.  If they don’t get over it…it is their loss because it is your choice and you can make it without accepting any guilt. 

You can always have something later to remember them in some way.  Nothing is set in stone.  If you loved to go a certain place and doing something special…then at some point when you can deal with it go there and enjoy the time remembering the good things.  You honor someone in your heart.  No two people are truly alike and what makes you feel good doesn’t make them feel good.  When it comes to your child dying…always…include your spouse in everything to do with the funeral to.  There are always exceptions because remember you both are different.  Take the time to hear what the other has to say about the funeral and jointly, if at all possible, do what is best at that time.  You can always have something private for you.

I hope this helped and that it did not offend anyone.  Funerals cause a lot of arguments to a lot of people.  They shouldn’t.  To argue when you are feeling so low, so alone, and so out of it doesn’t make sense, but then death, to us, doesn’t make sense sometimes either.  Family means well people, but they don’t always have it right either.  You do what your loved wanted or what you think is what they would have wanted…and remember that everything cost money and your loved one would not want you to go into debt. 

Many blessings and there will be more on grief.  Remember you can send me comments or questions to  In the subject line write “Fruit Salad Ministry”.  If it doesn’t have that I won’t open it.  I get hundreds of emails and don’t open everything.  Thank you.  

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